What the hell have you been smoking?

IMMEDIATE ATTENTION NEEDED:

HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL

FROM: WILLIAM HENRY GATES III
DEAR SIR / MADAM,

I AM WILLIAM HENRY GATES III, AMERICAN ENTREPRENEUR, SOFTWARE EXECUTIVE, PHILANTHROPIST AND CURRENTLY SERVING AS CHAIRMAN OF SOFTWARE COMPANY MICROSOFT. THIS LETTER MIGHT SURPRISE YOU BECAUSE WE HAVE NOT MET IN PERSON NOR BY CORRESPONDENCE. I CAME TO KNOW OF YOU IN MY SEARCH FOR A RELIABLE AND REPUTABLE PERSON TO HANDLE A VERY CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS TRANSACTION, WHICH INVOLVES THE TRANSFER OF A HUGE SUM OF MONEY TO AN ACCOUNT REQUIRING UTMOST CONFIDENCE.

I AM WRITING YOU IN ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE PRIMARILY TO SEEK YOUR ASSISTANCE IN ACQUIRING THE AMERICAN PUBLIC CORPORATION YAHOO, A GLOBAL INTERNET SERVICES COMPANY. IT PROVIDES A RANGE OF PRODUCTS AND SERVICES INCLUDING A WEB PORTAL, A SEARCH ENGINE, YAHOO MAIL, NEWS, AND POSTING. MY PARTNERS AND I SOLICIT YOUR ASSISTANCE IN COMPLETING A TRANSACTION BEGUN BY MY COMPANY, AN AMERICAN MULTINATIONAL COMPUTER TECHNOLOGY CORPORATION WITH 79,000 EMPLOYEES IN 102 COUNTRIES AND GLOBAL ANNUAL REVENUE OF US $51.12 BILLION AS OF 2007.

IN 1996, MY COMPANY, THEN THE PERSONAL COMPUTER MARKET LEADER IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, SOUGHT TO WORK WITH THE GOOD OFFICES OF THE SUPREME COURT TO MAINTAIN AND INCREASE REVENUE SOURCES BY FIXING VARIOUS ANTI-TRUST CASES. THE ISSUE IN QUESTION WAS HOW EASY OR HARD IT WAS FOR AMERICA ONLINE USERS TO DOWNLOAD AND INSTALL NETSCAPE NAVIGATOR ONTO A WINDOWS PC. ALTHOUGH WE DID NOT SEE IT AT THE TIME, THIS INSTIGATED THE BEGINNING OF OUR DOWNFALL.

DESPITE THE COURT FINDING THAT THE REVISED PROPOSED FINAL JUDGMENT WAS IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST, WITHIN TWELVE SHORT YEARS MY COMPANY WAS LEFT FLOUNDERING BY A SERIES OF UNSUCCESSFUL VENTURES: THE FAILURE TO LAUNCH LONGHORN, THE ZUNE, WINDOWS VISTA AND MANY, MANY MORE.

DUE TO SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS DEALINGS THROUGHOUT THE 1990S MY COMPANY IS WORTH FOUR-HUNDRED-AND-ONE BILLION U.S. DOLLARS ($401,000,000,000).

MY BITTEREST ENEMY, GOOGLE, NOW REMAINS IN CONTROL OF THE INTERNET’S LUCRATIVE ADVERTISING BANNER BUSINESS.

MY COMPANY IS CALLING FOR YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE IN FUNDING THE TAKEOVER OF YAHOO! TO ACQUIRE THE ASSETS OF THE ENTIRE INTERNET COMPANY IN ORDER SO THAT WE MAY REGAIN OUR MARKET LEADING POSITION IN BOTH ADVERTISING AND ONLINE SEARCH.

I WOULD BESEECH YOU TO ALLOW US TO TRANSFER A SUM EQUALLING $44 BILLION TO YOUR ACCOUNT TO AID IN THIS IMPORTANT VENTURE. THE NASDAQ STOCK MARKET OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WILL FUNCTION AS OUR TRUSTED INTERMEDIARY. I PROPOSE THAT WE MAKE THIS TRANSFER BEFORE MID-2008.

I KNOW THAT A TRANSACTION OF THIS MAGNITUDE WOULD MAKE ANYONE APPREHENSIVE AND WORRIED. BUT I AM ASSURING YOU THAT ALL WILL BE WELL AT THE END OF THE DAY. A BOLD STEP TAKEN SHALL NOT BE REGRETTED, I ASSURE YOU. PLEASE DO BE INFORMED THAT THIS BUSINESS TRANSACTION IS 100% LEGAL. IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO CO-OPERATE IN THIS TRANSACTION, PLEASE CONTACT OUR INTERMEDIARY REPRESENTATIVES TO FURTHER DISCUSS THE MATTER.

I PRAY THAT YOU UNDERSTAND OUR PLIGHT. MY COMPANY AND OUR COLLEAGUES WILL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL. PLEASE REPLY IN STRICT CONFIDENCE TO THE CONTACT NUMBERS BELOW.

SINCERELY WITH WARM REGARDS,

WILLIAM HENRY GATES III