Guide On How To Keep A Girl For Gamers
By William on Sunday, June 17th, 2007 at 8:11 PM PST In Gamer Life
Sometimes gamer guys spend too much time studying game strategies and forget how to keep their girlfriends. I was browsing through bulletins on Myspace and came across this helpful list on how to keep a girl. It was posted by a fellow gamer, so of course it’s a completely truthful list. If you guys go out there and actually attempt anything on this list, we are not responsible for the results. This is strictly for entertainment purposes and the actions should only be attempted by professionals like myself. I realize this isn’t big gaming news, but it’s Sunday and sometimes I just like to have fun with articles on slow weekends. If she happens to be a total psycho, then some of these things may actually work. If anyone ever needs advice on psycho girlfriends, I’m the guy to come to. The great list follows the break.
1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say “could be better.”
This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness.
If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this
will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls
are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she’s sleeping. If
she is, say “you better be.” Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will
show her you care.5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be
her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and
every girl needs some improvement.6. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then
when she’s sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because
jewelry is for wussies and Asian ladies.7. If you’re talking to another girl, make sure she’s looking. When
she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words “**** you” and grab the other
girl’s ass. Girls love competition.8. Tell her you’re taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she
thinks it’s going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard.
When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you’re
really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she
starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and
whisper very quietly into her ear “…because I can.”9. Introduce her to your friends as “some chick.” Women love those
special nicknames.10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.
11. Warm her up when she’s cold…and not by giving her your jacket,
because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say
“if you don’t stop bitching about the cold right now, you’re going to be
bitching about a black eye.” The best way to get warm is with fear.12. Take her to a party. When you get there, she’ll have to go to the
bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the
party is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all
night.13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet.
Kick the pet. Guys always find stuff like that funny…why shouldn’t girls?14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she’s fast asleep, wait 10
minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes
home and you can use your arms for more important things (like basketball).15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.
16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give
her self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep
down desires to be.17. Every time you’re in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings
or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This
way, she’ll go crazy.18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she’s about to order, interrupt
and say “no, she’s not hungry.” Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy
that speaks for her.19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face. Girls
love a spontaneous guy.20. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on
it (but not a sexy cologne smell…a bad smell. You know what I’m talking
about).21. When it’s raining, keep asking her if she’s crying. She’ll say
“no, it’s just the rain.” Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at
her to stop crying. Girls like a tough man.22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.
23. If you’re listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her
no. This way she’ll think you’re mysterious.24. Remember her birthday, but don’t get her anything. Teach her that
material objects arent important. The only thing that’s important is
that she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she
can ever get.25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just
whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know
she’s coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the
present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don’t like this one
that much, but guys think it’s funny.26. If she’s mad at you for not calling her when you say you will,
promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will
make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that you’re
going to tell her a special surprise. Now she’ll be really excited. Don’t
call
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtQpKZgrjVE
My buddies on this video are wicked smart and can totally totally out sexify you.
Are you lol?If you do only 1 of that tips girl will kick you…….
Where is image from?
If i seen you doing what your list suggests, I would knock you out. Seriously man, the stuff you are saying will get you put in jail. It’s called ABUSE. Get your hand off of your joystick and go to a bar. Try out your tips there and see what happens.
That was pretty funny!!! made my day lol!
Was the person who put this together 12? It’s not even funny. Wasted 3 min of my life…ahhh!
I agree with Ed.
lol, it seams people take this seriously…this is obviously a joke, no person in their right mind would do any of that… i guess some people have no sense of humor
Anyone who thinks this list is meant to be taken seriously needs to be sterilized immediately. If nature hasn’t destroyed your bloodline yet, we’ll have to take matters into our own hands.
ummm it’s a joke…
Wow… William, your readers just don’t seem to get your sarcasm.
You ripped this off the “Top dating tips from Chuck Norris” post on Digg several weeks ago….
Wow what a bad list. Obviously not serious, but it could have at least been funny. Instead its punch her face, oh yea thats fun, kick her pet. Not even one snicker in that list.
Just so yall idiots bitching know that was the whole point of the article
Oh lawdy is dat sum sarcasm?
Jesus christ, you dumbasses need to learn what a ‘joke’ is.
“If i seen you doing what your list suggests, I would knock you out. Seriously man, the stuff you are saying will get you put in jail. It’s called ABUSE. Get your hand off of your joystick and go to a bar. Try out your tips there and see what happens.”
It’s called a joke…but you obviously want to act like a tough guy on the internet so jokes are beyond your understanding.
lol. Sarcasm.
Image source: http://www.androidblues.com/gallery/15/
rofl.
Genius.
It’s not funny. It should be taken seriously. It’s “lol-ing” at situations like those listed that make the normalization of those actions inevitable.
It’s misogynist. Sorry, big word. Misogyny means the devaluation, contempt and hatred of women.
Unfortunately, misogynist and humorous are one and the same to some people. Those that wrote this, and those that laugh at it, are a messed-up bunch.
Damn…This list sounds more like “Top things and asshole would do to a woman”.
My advice to gamers, find a gamer chick. Life is good then. Trust me.
I highly recommend this tips. They are very good and work well.
Dude this was efin hilarious. Everyone that has said that it is dumb is an idiot and has no sense of humour. Do people actually think that this is serious stuff? I thought this was the internet where you could type what you want and post it anywhere. PROPS man. Good stuff. Made my day and my co-workers.
Okay – im now at #12 on the list and it’s monday.. I can’t find a party here today.. do I have to do them all in one day for this to work???
Indeed. Especially dis…this is just a joke…I would never do any of this…I’m a nice guy…
dude, that blows…. i only did like 4 of them and now she won’t even speak to me…
lol interesting for gamers i guess.
Haha, hilarious
For once a spoof on those “How to be romantic” lists.
And jesus christ, how in the freaking world can some people here not get that it’s a joke? Those I’m *really* scared of how they’ll handle a girl, if they are this unsure of what’s right or wrong!
@Dis: “It’s misogynist. Sorry, big word.”
Yeah, I understand that someone like you may think so…
Best list ever! Omg, if I could do all this shit, and still keep my gf, I’d be the happiest man in the world. You’re my kinda guy! Great Job ++
I especially love the part about mouthing “**** you” to your gf while you grab another girl’s ass.
Wow… I tried the best one man…. My girl got me a black Fedora, right? So I knew she was coming over last thursday. I took it and wrapped it in ceran wrap, and tossed it on an old pillow in my trash can. To add to the effect, I got a new letter, duplicated the addressing, and resealed the letter that came with it in a new envelope, and put it in on top of it
She came in and honestly started crying… Then I showed her this and we both burst out laughing, along with my brother who was in on it. Obviously, then I went back out and got my hat. Damn, that trick ALMOST isn’t worth it. She was real upset at first, but luckily, she got over it.
]
O and you assholes who think that these are actually… Real suggestions? your a complete idiot whos just looking to find somone to make look stupid. Go get a self-esteem boost.
O, and instead of complaining about how mean and stupid these are, how about complaining about your complete LACK of a girlfriend?
P.S. only try any of these if your girl REALLY really digs you and you’ve been together a while.
LOL! That was awesome! Shame I’m already married or I could have tried some of these out…
…that was positively horrible. I don’t understand how it shoudld’ve been funny.
if any of those were tried on me i would have to bitch slap the guy many many times then tell everyone i know about what the guy did
LOL haha hilarious, im gonna try a few of those out for laughs. ill make sure i tell her its a joke after
hey are you sleeping, YOU BETTER BE
Very funny! some push it a little… like punching her.. but I get the joke all the same.. I feel this is a great way to keep a woman … DO EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT THIS SAYS AND YOU WILL HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP!! thats what makes this so funny for those out there that “don’t’ get it.”
This is probably humor for a specific generation, which is the reason why some get it and some don’t. Don’t dog it just cause you don’t get it. Your either to young to old or just skipped the class on how to get a joke and went strait to the one on how to criticize others you won’t ever meet.
a brunch of bull shits that would make the girl runs away.
you genius
lol… i found this hilarious…maybe its cause im a ‘geemer chick’ but yeah… terrible… yet hilarious.
22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.
>.
Anyone who doesn’t get the joke shouldn’t have a girl/boyfriend in the first place.
Interpret this list as 26 things to do the opposite of and you are golden!
only chuck norris can do this kind of stuff and not get in trouble
Yeah, sarcasm, yeah, no shit. However, they truly were not very funny – not even in the old sense of “101 Uses for a Dead Cat” books. At least those had cute drawings. Now that I think of it, those old books really are not too funny now so this type of humor must be a young teenager or tweener thing.
BiSHOP – You sound like a total tool.
Here is a funny list of funny things to do since you all enjoy these lists:
1. Throw your feces (that’s poop BTW) at someone like a monkey.
2. Steal the little neighbor child’s ice cream from them and then push them down.
3. Pop a wheelie on your BMX bike and fart while you drive by the religious prude old lady at the end of the street.
4. Throw slices of salty salami on your sister’s boyfriend’s Trans-Am.
5. Throw up in a bag and let is sit in an empty locker at school for weeks.
6. Pick your nose and act like you eat it while in the lunchroom or better yet, flick it at your buddy while he chomps on his burger.
…
Yeah, this stuff really isn’t that funny, is it? If you laugh at any of that, and thusly you laughed at the original article, you must be a tweener (and as a cliche, I add: and you must not have a girlfriend).
Now I must wonder why I wasted my time typing all this crap like the original article poster probably is. Luckily I only read the first 2-3 entries of the original article.
Here is something for you tweeners to cap on…I’ll sign out like this:
-Little Dick
Ziff-Davis allows crap like this to be posted?? I was not very funny and it could turn away some of the women-folk. Eyeballs is eyeballs when it comes to advertising money. I hope some femme nazis don’t get ahold of this.
Oh no, the feminazis are mad.
Sheesh, you people are lame. This is hilarious.
Ahahaha! This got me in stiches! I’ve not laughed so hard in ages! I pitty the guy who took this seriously…
This is sarcasm. If you think it was written to be a serious, comprehensive guide on dating, I’ll provide you with the name of a very good psychologist. If that doesn’t work, I have a .44 Magnum that I could lend you.
If you don’t find it funny, then you’re not right in the head. Do us all a favor and don’t reproduce; Mother Nature is going to have a hell of a time scrubbing your pathetic genes out of the genetic soup.
I wouldn’t associate with anyone that would take serious offense to this. People need to lighten up. Anyone who thinks they’re going to get anything better than immature humor or fart jokes on the internet needs to go back to watching ‘Little House on the Prarie’ reruns or whatever it is you boring/stuck up/self-righteous people do.